This is a partial list of things that I have learned in 10 years of watching anime. I have a huge collection, so I know what I am talking about.
Things That Anime Has Taught Me.
1. Good Guys, no matter how inept they may initially be, will always win. Sure, it might look difficult, and there certainly are a lot of trials and tribulations to endure over the course of the story arc, but we all know where this is headed. The Bad Guy is going to lose. No matter how cool/intelligent/sexy/immortal he may be there will be a point, probably at the end of the show, where we will see his shattered dreams brought to a ruinous ending. Why? Because of a rare disease that only affects Bad Guys.
Long the scourge of villainous aspirations, this plague threatens any who seek to be Not Nice. A Bad Guy afflicted with this debilitating condition, known in some circles as I-Cannot-Stop-Laughing-itis, is compelled to not only reveal key elements of their plan, but also suffer from uncontrollable fits of laughter.
Signs that this dread disease is beginning to manifest can be found during the early episodes of an anime. The Bad Guy, when referring to either the Good Guy, OR their own plans, will often end a statement with a rising, high pitched laugh. Oftentimes, the Bad Guy will have displayed no prior symptoms. In some extreme cases, where the Bad Guy in question has not laughed once in their entire life, a laugh can be substituted for a giggle.
There is no known cure. Once the laughter/giggling ensues, failure is assured.
———————————————————–
2. If a large, heavily armed fortress threatens the Good Guys, you may rest assured that it will be destroyed. See, the reason for this has to do with the inherent purpose of a heavily armed fortress, on land, sea, or air.
A fortress is designed for one purpose. That purpose is to defend. But Bad Guys do not understand this. A Bad Guy believes that, the more massive and well armed a fortress is, it can destroy everything. A Heavy Super Mega Particle Space Cannon is for blowing things up. A fortress is big and imposing, dark and brooding. Perfect match. What they fail to realize is that, as with all plans they make, at some point, they laughed/giggled.
Once this happens, the Good Guys, no matter where they are, what skills they have, or even if they find themselves dead/incapacitated/captured, will instantly learn the fatal flaw that the fortress possesses. All fortresses contain a fatal flaw. It is a universal truth. Remember the Death Star? Those Proton Torpedoes were flying OVER the ventilation shaft, not into it. But the fatal flaw sucked them right in. Chances are that tiny little flaw was built in by the contractor.
Contractors are not stupid. They know that the fortress will one day destroy their world. Who in their right mind would actually WANT to complete a fully functional fortress/Death Star? Thus, they create a fatal flaw that will, one day, be revealed to the Good Guys when the Bad Guy inevitably laughs, even if the laugh is on the inside.
———————————————————–
3. Contrary to conventional wisdom, guns do not beat swords, and swords do not beat bare hands. But it does not mean that they are totally useless.
A gun can be shot with deadly accuracy no matter what the conditions. In the dark, upside down, sideways, without looking, without aiming, it matters not. That bullet is going to hit it’s target. And if two guns come into play, held by the same person, unimaginable destruction awaits. Staring straight ahead, blinded by a bright light, paralyzed, and suffering from a nervous twitch, a Good Guy can shoot two targets in ANY direction WITHOUT even looking. Unless the gun is held by Minions. Then they become petty distractions.
A sword, even a wooden one, can slice bullets in half, deflect even a hail of them, and can often cut down incredibly massive trees in one stroke. Swords also possess the unique ability to gleam and shine no matter how dark it is, and only break when it is Dramatically Important. But do not worry. That epic weapon of mass devastation can easily be reforged. Apparently there are master blacksmiths on every street corner. Sometimes, an even BETTER sword will be given to the Good Guy instead.
Bare hands can catch bullets, grab and break swords, shatter stone and steel, and can often glow with mystic energy. A hero, with bare hands, can defeat almost anything with a few blows. Certain situations, such as Mid Bosses, and Final Bosses can only be defeated with a magical power blow, and then, only, ONLY if the Bad Guy has laughed and/or revealed their Hidden Agenda.
———————————————————–
4. The sweeter and more innocent a young girl looks, the more dangerous/evil/precocious she really is. If the character is on the Good Guy Team, then she will either possess superhuman fighting techniques/powers, or be so intelligent that she can routinely figure out the Bad Guys plan. The latter ability is so powerful, that it even trumps the Laughter Clause. The Bad Guy does not need to laugh in order to be foiled. Powerful stuff….
Alternatively, if the girl is on the Bad Guy Team, then she will have fits of sadistic, evil giggling. Do not confuse this type of giggling with the self destructive one. The giggle is intended only to enhance menace and tension. Often accompanied by images of blood and death, the Evil Little Girl should be shot on sight. Occasionally, the Evil Little Girl is a ghost, or other form of apparition. Leaving the immediate area, returning with explosives, and leveling the structure she resides in is the safest way to handle the situation.
Also, as a general rule, any Little Girl, be she Good or Bad, will almost always, ALWAYS have an obscenely cute animal companion of indeterminate species. The creature will show up at random times, usually during the Comedy Portion of an episode, and do something Cute.
The animal can survive any attack and is immortal. Imprisoning, or incapacitating the Little Girl is meaningless, as this Cute Indeterminate Creature will inevitably show up and free her. Such creatures also can be identified by their names. The name will be cute, short, and full of saccharine. Mimi, Momo, and Nummy Muffin Cocoa Butter are excellent examples.
———————————————————–
5. The Good Guy and Bad Guy are often times non-gender specific. It is very difficult to tell if they is effeminate, or confused. Long, flowing hair, smooth, angular facial features, and tight clothing are almost commonplace. It is not unheard of to see two Good Guys, or a Bad Guy and a Good Guy, or even two Bad Guys caress each others cheek, or make strange, innuendo-like comments to each other.
The most-used excuse for this is Extreme Friendship. The two characters are friends on such a level that sexuality seems to not apply, and this allows for such behavior. Conversely, a homosexual or lesbian character makes little, if any, such gestures and comments, unless the scene is comedic in nature.
In cases where the Good Guy and the Bad Guy knew each other before they were at odds, it is usually the Bad Guy who is guilty of making these type of comments. The Good Guy has such potential, but he is misguided. If only the Bad Guy can show the Good Guy the error of his ways, then they can be together forever. The Good Guy has such fire and passion. If only the Bad Guy can unlock the Good Guy’s true nature.
On a side note, it is surprising that the Good Guy almost never makes these comments in reference to the Bad Guy. Convincing the Bad Guy, androgynously, to abandon their wicked ways and seek redemption, is not a common topic. Apparently, being Evil is a freeing experience. Being Good is a restrictive and oppressive. But Good always wins. An interesting message.
———————————————————-
6. Romance is not romance unless it consists of the following, time-honored formula: The Good Guy and Female Of Interest meet for the first time. The Good Guy, either through ignorance, stupidity, or by innocuous circumstance, insults the Female Of Interest. The most common method is the Accidentally-Walked-In-On-Her-Naked scene. Almost as common is the Accidentally-Crashed-In-To-Her technique. This immediately launches stage 2. The Dislike Stage.
The Female Of Interest will now begin to harangue the Good Guy at every turn, using words like, “Idiot!” and, “Moron!” in a hostile or taunting tone of voice. This is always preceded by the Good Guy doing something silly, such as the above mentioned techniques.
There are occasions where the Good Guy does nothing at all, and is placed in the Blame Chair by outside forces.
It is during this stage that we often witness a Hidden Technique, possessed only by Females of Interest. As punishment for any insult or perceived insult, the Female of Interest can summon a large paper fan OR hammer and smite the Good Guy. Often times the force of this blow is enough to send the poor fool miles away, or cause him to suffer injuries that, under normal circumstances, should be fatal. But it is OK, because this behavior falls under Comedic Jurisdiction, and anything goes.
Stage 3, also known as the I-Like/Hate-Him stage, occurs around the mid-point of a show. The Good Guy’s actions turn from annoying to sweet and clumsy. Friends will make comments about the pair being a Cute Couple. The Female Of Interest will resist at first, and then start to have feelings for the Good Guy. This is almost always, without fail, followed up by stage 4.
There can sometimes be another sub-stage, known as the Love Triangle stage. This stage fits in between stages 4 and 5. Generally, this stage develops after a second Female-Of-Interest shows up, and for no reason begins hanging on the Good Guy. There are no stages with this Female-Of-Interest. Once stage 5 is complete, the second Female-Of-Interest simply fades away, or gives a silly speech about accepting what will not be. Or tries to kill someone. Or becomes evil. Or dies.
The Regression stage, is a difficult one. It involves the Good Guy doing nothing wrong, but is perceived as having done something wrong by the Female Of Interest. She will then scream at the Good Guy and run away, crying. She will proclaim an everlasting hatred for the Good Guy, who will stand there looking stupid as opposed to slapping her upside the head and making her realize what a paranoid idiot she is. Then, because the Good Guy is an idiot, a friend, usually of the Female Of Interest, will explain that it is because he doesn’t understand her feelings. This lasts for at least an episode or two before finally progressing to the last stage. The Realization stage.
The 5th stage will come about either after a Convenient Battle where the Good Guy rescues the Female Of Interest, or when the Good Guy finally gets around to cornering the Female Of Interest and apologizes, often confessing his feelings immediately afterwards. The Good Guy always apologizes, even when he did nothing wrong. Or because he was dense. Or stupid. Or Cosmic Law made him grab her breast by Convenient Mistake. Once this is established, the Final Battle often occurs following the episode.
There is rumored to be a stage beyond this one. A fabled 6th stage which, if it even exists, would be called the They-Actually-Stopped-Being-Stupid-And-Got-It-On-And-Acted-Like-Two-People-Who-Are-In-Love stage. There are no known records of such an occurrence.
————————————————————–
7. If a Main Character uses a sword, and is facing an opponent, who also wields a sword, then there is a 90% chance that a 100 yard dash will happen. Following a flurry of attacks, each expertly blocked, the Good Guy and his opponent will stop for a moment. The Good Guy will glare at his off-screen opponent, before realizing that either his clothing, or flesh, has been sliced ever so thinly.
This will spur the Dash. Both characters will immediately, and in perfect sync, begin running, full tilt, in the same direction. They will face each other the whole time. After a few moments, one or the other will stop on a dime and slash at their foe. The defender will always block/dodge/leap 20′ into the air.
This is not normal running, but Special Running. The hazards one would expect from running full speed, while not looking, do not apply. There will be no tripping, no falling. It is believed that a special team of highly trained attendants will run ahead of the opponents and clear the path of any dangerous obstacles.
————————————————————-
8. Contrary to popular belief, the greater the number of enemies one faces, the more ineffective they will become.
Good Guys can often decimate an entire brigade of troops with impressive ease. Bad Guys only recruit henchmen so that they will not have to do all the work. Henchmen do not seem to realize that they are so outmatched.
Whereas a normal person, with decent intelligence, would simply detonate a thermonuclear warhead and hope for the best, henchmen seem to be concerned only with making the best decoration possible for the floor and surrounding area. A battleground, tastefully decorated with the corpses of fallen foes makes even a rat-hole look posh and decadent.
And that is about all Minions are good for….
————————————————————-
9. Just because a Good Guy dies, does not mean he is out of the picture. Many a Bad Guy has made the mistake of assuming victory is in their grasp simply because the Good Guy fell over, stopped breathing, and shuffled off this mortal coil. Little do they know, the Good Guy is merely training to get stronger. Or is trapped in another dimension, eagerly awaiting a Grizzled Old Man to whisper, “Now is the time. You are ready!” so they can pop back onto the old Prime Material and whip some Bad Guy butt.
————————————————————-
10. The Final Battle. It all comes down to this. Two enemies, facing each other. Both are convinced of their righteousness, their ideals, their legitimacy. What more can a person want than to see both the object of their admiration and the cause of their anger square off in what, over numerous episodes, has become the penultimate showdown? Well, it won’t happen right away.
First, the rules must be followed. There will be a speech from the Bad Guy, usually ideological, sometimes psychological, and occasionally just plain stupid. The Good Guy will inevitably make a short reply, often consisting of, “You’re wrong!” or, “I’ll never be like you!” and so on.
Next, the opening fight. The Good Guy attacks first, as is his privilege. He will fail miserably. The Bad Guy will counter attack and send the Good Guy flying. However, rather than finish his nemesis off, the Bad Guy must observe a most ancient and necessary ritual. He must Taunt.
The Bad Guy will, in great detail, explain why the Good Guy cannot win. He will reveal all of his secrets and weaknesses. Then, he will proclaim his invincibility. And then, if he has not already done so, the Bad Guy will laugh. A lot.
The Good Guy, staggering to his feet, newfound determination in his eyes, will then make the Counter Taunt. It consists of, “Not if I can help it!” or “I will defeat you!” or the time honored, “NEVER!” and attack again.
However, this time, the Good Guy is mysteriously armed with the ability to deflect the Bad Guy’s attacks. During the Taunt ceremony, the Bad Guy revealed his weakness. Even if that weakness is a distaste for peanut butter, the Bad Guy is doomed. His attacks fail, his defenses are shattered, and the Good Guy wins.
Unless there is a sequel.
